Nonprofit Pet League

The Richardson Family promised their youngest a pet. It was a family affair, and a charitable one. Their first stop was to their private wealth adviser, Henry, at Infidelity.

Mr. R: Henry, it’s time we enrich our son with a charitable endeavor. Our family has a long history of supporting the cultural community in our town, and we want to pass the mantle of our good fortune and generous spirit. Everyday my wife and I are besieged by scores of nonprofits demanding that we give them our money. Just yesterday, I had to scrape 15 NYPIRG millennials off my door and firehose 20 more hurricane rescue groups out of my back lawn. There’s not enough paper towels in this world to throw at them anymore. I’m exhausted.

Henry the Adviser: Mr. R, I hear this story daily. It is deeply painful to have so many men of wealth and power enfeebled by the wretched demands of the increasing volumes of the needy. This is exactly why my company, Infidelity, now holds the largesse of charitable fortunes in the United States. We consider ourselves your gatekeeper, a noble swordsman to beat back the rabble and protector of all that’s worth saving in this world. Mrs. R, please, tell me your thoughts and hopes for instilling your son with the noble spirit of philanthropy.

Mrs. R leans forward. She lifts her sharply pointed fingers into an animated dance of continuous movement, helping to deflect her frozen facial features, made lifeless and indiscernible under the Botox and surgery.

Mrs. R: “Heeeennnrry,” she purrs.…. “Are you working out? What was the question?”

Henry is befuddled. He focuses.

Henry the Adviser: Mr. R, I have the perfect charitable endeavor for your son to cut his “charitable teeth.” It’s called the Nonprofit Pet League. It’s a great starter charity – small, locally-focused, grassroots. You don’t have to make a sizeable contribution, because, as you and I know, the smaller groups are all untested and hungry for any scraps you give them.

In fact, just last week I granted an indigenous advocacy group 3 boxes of twine. Highly scrappy they are – they used the twine to create rope beds for homeless children with twigs and leaves for the mattress and then the executive staff hung themselves with the leftovers. No overhead anymore. It worked out beautifully.

As you know, Mr. R, here at Infidelity, we reserve the largesse of our client’s fortunes for the more reputable, esteemed organizations that can crystallize your legacy for years to come. Places like Yale, your Alma Mater, and the city Museum of Great Importance, of course.

For today, however, let’s focus on Junior R. I’d give you the address, but really you just need to follow Main Street until you reach the edge of town. As soon as you start to hear wailing and people looking disheveled, follow the sound until you hit the site of the former Community Health Center, now shuttered and used mainly to house out-of-work healthcare providers and the remaining nonprofit riff-raff that never got real jobs.

Mr. R: Henry, I knew I could count on you. This sounds grand.

Mr. R, Junior R and Mrs. R arrive at the Nonprofit Pet League. Mrs. R immediately breaks her 6-inch heels on the cracked sidewalk, while Junior R secures his evening plans with a yacht to the Bahamas, 6 friends, 3 cases of Moet and 3 escorts. He’s 16 of course.

The door creaks open and they are immediately besieged by a former docent from The Museum of Lesser Importance.

Docent: Welcome to the Nonprofit Pet League! I am Farida and will serve as your host and guide. Here at the Nonprofit Pet League, we believe in matching your passion for charitable good with the perfect nonprofit pet.

Mr. R: Farida, let’s start with your health care providers. I hear we can get a fantastic Hispanic Medical Assistant that is about to be deported thanks to DACA. A temporary commitment might be best.

Docent: Sorry, Mr. R, Julio went out for a sandwich with his pregnant wife last night, and 6 ICE agents tackled him as he was helping her across the street. We haven’t heard from him since.

Mr. R: What does his wife do?

Docent: Andrea’s a whip-smart fundraising generalist that has served a diverse roster of organizations in this county, raising their bottom line in record time and helping expand services across the board.

Mrs. R: (Frowning) Sounds like she’s not house trained. I’m worried about our Afghan… rug, not maid.

Mr. R: Hrmpf… this customer service is questionable. I expect more. Don’t you know who we are? Infidelity just endowed you with $200, 20 jars of peanut butter, 40 loaves of nearly expired Whole Foods brand Kale Cakes, 16 rolls of twine and eight 2 x 4’s.

Docent: I’m sorry, Mr. R, if you’ll excuse me. I have to go make use of that twine.

Junior R: Mummy. Daddy? I’m bored. Can I throw pennies at the homeless? I think our driver has some in his cupholder.

– Sarah







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